No Regrets. Part IIPosted: November 21, 2011
When I left you earlier today (click here for part 1), I had just finished telling you about the grocery store incident. Eek. I apologize to everyone for that behavior. So unladylike.
To backtrack, it’s really hard to go from seeing someone everyday, calling them, having them know exactly what you’re thinking and feeling to having them completely cut out of your life. It’s like …death.
But sometimes it takes something really awful to realize how strong you are…and to find out that you need to make a change.
The weeks following the breakup, I was forced to face some cold hard truths.I had been so focused on him that I had forgotten who I was, what I wanted to do, and how to be happy…I had forgotten how to live on my own. I started a journal. I started making goals. And I started doing things that made me happy. I started going to church again, writing again, exploring the city again, and getting my life back on track. I am extremely thankful for the people who stuck by me and helped me through this time.
It was in November, that I finally started realizing I could be happy without the ex…that I could be happy alone. I was realizing that it wasn’t my fault, and though I still struggled with it, I knew that it was meant to be. And it was best for both of us…this was of course, after the scene in the grocery store.
I made the drive home for Thanksgiving shortly after. It was bitter-sweet. I hadn’t been home in a quite some time and I was nervous. I didn’t want people to ask questions. I didn’t want to deal with their surprised faces and their feeling sorry for me. I didn’t want to face my mother. I had waited a lot longer than I should have to tell my family about the breakup. I wasn’t ready to deal with it and I wasn’t ready to deal with their questions. My mother was one of the last people to know- She had found out from someone else and well…she wasn’t happy about it. We had gotten in a big fight about it and hadn’t really talked since, other than me telling her that I would be home.
I was happy to be home, to see my friends and be with family. My mom and I patched things up but she still pressed me for details, which I wasn’t ready to give. It was after a conversation like this, that I drove to a friend’s house to visit with her family and catch up with her on the latest gossip at home. I was still seething.
It was a day or two after Thanksgiving. My friend Ben stopped over to the Johnson House shortly after I did. I hadn’t seen Ben in a long time, we’d kind of lost touch while we were both away at school and …life. He was back in Plattsburgh. I hadn’t wanted to deal with questions, and I think he sensed that, but he listened while I talked to Vanessa and …let’s just say it was pretty obvious how angry I was. Poor Ben, he probably didn’t know what to think. I appeared to have lost my mind!
I left shortly after he had arrived and felt bad for my behavior. So I texted him, basically saying that I was sorry for how I acted and for running out, but it wasn’t a good time. He texted me back saying that “it was okay.” And if I ever needed to talk that I could call him. He’d been through a bad breakup too. And that was all he said, nothing more. He didn’t press me for details. He just left it at that.
I didn’t know what to think at that time, but I knew that I felt so much more at ease around him than other people. We both had damage. We didn’t need to talk about it, but it was also okay if we wanted to. That struck a chord with me.
A few weeks later I called Ben on his birthday. Shortly after, we started talking. Every single day. In January we went out on our first date…and became “exclusive” shortly after. In May, I moved back to Plattsburgh. The following March, we got engaged and we were married in August. And it never would have happened if I hadn’t been dumped two years prior.
So to The Ex, we had some good times and you taught me a lot, but it wasn’t meant to be. Thank you for being a part of my life for so long and thank you so much for breaking up with me. I am eternally grateful. No hard feelings, I wish you all the best.
It’s so funny to look back on how much my life has changed. 2 years ago, I never would have thought that I would be back home…much less married! But here we are today; I am married to an amazing man who understands me, accepts me and loves me each and every day. I am so thankful for this. I am also extremely thankful for the times of self-reflection, change and not knowing what will happen next. I am thankful for friends (old and new) and family who stuck by me and helped me through, whether it was a good time or a not-so-good time. And Ben, thank you so much for not writing me off as a crazy, woman scorned two years ago.
Like I said, no regrets.