As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I finally gave in and went to the doctor to see about my weird leg pain…
I don’t have a primary care doctor, so I did a walk-in right after work because I couldn’t get an appointment and ended up getting a full physical because I hadn’t had one in… I don’t even know how long. Shame on me.
Confession: Between work and our road-trip, I still haven’t gone to get the blood work he ordered… hopefully tomorrow? Double shame.
Anyway, while I was there, I quickly realized he had no idea what was wrong with my leg and that he wasn’t going to be much help in that department… he even told me so… but I figured I’d get the most bang for my buck and went on with the rest of the physical.
I mentioned that I had run a marathon and we talked about some health concerns (mostly that I am prone to some wicked headaches/dizziness).
His response? “Well, you’re obviously very healthy. You’ve run a marathon, the proof is in the pudding!” He continued with, “I don’t know what to tell you about the headaches other than they probably aren’t anything to be concerned with, it’s just an annoyance.”
He then asked me about medical history and asked me if I had any symptoms of depression…three times.
First, who says “the proof is in the pudding?”
Second, Yes– while running a marathon is a good sign of one being healthy, I don’t feel that it is an end-all, absolute indication of one’s physical health being perfect. Not that I have any major health concerns, but I was irked by his assumption and brushing off the one concern I did have…and repeatedly asking if I was depressed… it just didn’t sit well.
Anyway, the rest of the visit was equally enlightening. I discussed BMI with him next…
Side note: When I last saw my gynecologist, she was impressed that I had lost the weight that I have and that I did so slowly… but said it would be beneficial to lose about 15-25 more pounds. I feel like that’s kind of standard coming from a doctor and for all I know, she could be right. Honestly, I would be okay with 10 more pounds.
My current BMI is 28, so I am technically classified as overweight. Now, I realize that this is merely a guideline and even when I was in the best shape of my life, my BMI was close to what it is now.
I also realize that I AM healthy, but, I figured since I was there, I would ask his professional opinion… he is a doctor, after all.
I felt a bit silly asking, but I got it out, “you know, I’m just wondering because my BMI is a bit high… if it’s something I should worry about… I’ve lost about 30 lbs but it’s taken me a really LONG time to do so… and I know that’s a good thing, but at the same time, I don’t know if it’s normal for it to take as long as it did… I’m just wondering–“
He interrupted me (!) and even raised his voice for a moment.
“–You DO NOT need to lose ANY weight. You are perfectly healthy, you ran a marathon, so you’re obviously healthy. But, if you want to lose weight for physical attractiveness, or competitiveness, or whatever reason, the only way to do that is to eat way less and make yourself completely miserable. So if that’s what you want, then by all means, make yourself miserable.”
Cue my jaw hitting the floor.
That was not what I was expecting to hear and I was, for one of the few times in my life, completely speechless. Not gonna lie, it was nice to hear this, but I think he completely misunderstood my reason for asking the question.
I mentioned that my main concern with my current weight is the impact it has on my joints when running and that I know losing said 10+ pounds will be easier on my body, which he quickly dismissed by saying, “Not true.”
He went on to say how the only way to eat less is to know exactly how much you’re taking in and the only way to do that was to count calories (obviously) and then proceeded to tell me it didn’t matter what I ate or where my food was coming from, it only mattered the amount I was eating.
You can imagine my indignation at the last statement. This was a doctor telling me that nutrition value and where food comes from didn’t matter. I almost hit the roof.
In short, the proof is apparently in the pudding; I am perfectly healthy.
- My leg seems to have healed itself and I went on my first run post-race last night. It was only 2.5 miles, but I had no pain. Let’s hope it stays that way.
- I’m currently experimenting with my diet to see if something I’m eating/drinking is causing the headaches.
- First experiment: cutting down my coffee intake.
- Next step: getting the blood work done so I can get an official letter saying that I am “perfectly healthy,” and I can move on to finding a primary care doctor who I don’t find kooky.
- I’m also going to get my eyes checked to see if the headaches are vision related. I am getting older, after all.
Let’s discuss, what’s the strangest/most outrageous thing a medical professional has said to you? BMI-do you pay attention to it? Any weird ailments? When’s the last time you went for a physical?
Life has been moving pretty fast around these parts lately…I’m looking forward to some much-needed time off and a road trip with Farmer Ben, later this week (Georgia and South Carolina, here we come!).
This weekend, I went to a women’s conference with some ladies from my church in Worcester, MA…this was a completely new experience for me and one that I needed.
I actually hemmed and hawed about going because, well… I just felt like I wouldn’t have time…but I made time and it was so worth it!
Not only did Natalie Grant lead worship (so powerful!), but we got to see some great speakers. I learned a lot and came back feeling refreshed and empowered.
My favorite speaker was definitely Valorie Burton.
I mentioned that this conference was something I needed and I found Valorie’s workshop especially relevant to some things I am dealing with right now.
I got home from the conference really late and Farmer Ben and I were up bright and early on Sunday Morning to volunteer with our church for our Faith in Action Sunday… basically, the congregation divides up into groups and does various service projects around town…
Our group went to a local park and raked leaves…for three hours. By the time we left the park, we had 97 giant bags of leaves and a ton of piles that we just didn’t have the man-power to bag. Needless to say, I am sore today and have some really attractive blisters on my hands.
After volunteering we went to my mother’s house and took a quick shopping trip… I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but I absolutely despise shopping at Wal-Mart…This shopping trip reminded me why. I think I’ve had my fill of misbehaving, screaming children and rude people for the next three years.
We dropped my mom off and then headed to our friends’ house to make a quick dinner.
I made this mac & cheese from Pinch of Yum and fooled their son into eating butternut squash. Not only was it delicious, but it only had 1 cup of cheese in a double recipe!
After dinner, I whipped up these cookies…they were also a hit.
Farmer Ben and I finally made it home at about 9pm and I immediately went to bed.
Other than that, life has been good…
We’ve been going to the market.
Hubby bought me some beautiful flowers from a local farm….
And we’ve been enjoying the weather. I finally got to break in my sweet orange wind-breaker from the race.
And now for a confession…
My biggest frustration at the moment is that I haven’t run since my marathon. I took a few days off for recovery and, much to my dismay, ended up having to work both jobs for the entire week following the race.
Running a marathon and then working 12-15 hour days for five days is not conducive to recovery.
That Saturday, I was going to go for a short run but I started having a weird pain behind my knee. It hasn’t gone away. It’s more annoying that downright painful and almost feels like a snap or a pinch…does that make any sense?
It’s not my knee… but I don’t know how else to describe it. I did some google-ing and am guessing that it’s either a baker’s cyst or a meniscus but doesn’t feel painful enough to be either.
I did notice that the pain was a little more annoying this past week, depending on what I am doing. Yesterday, it was pretty uncomfortable and by the end of raking it was burning.
Any ides as to what this is?
I broke down and went to a walk-in doctor but honestly, he was no help. He felt around and played with my knee, stood back and said, “Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with you…I have no idea what to tell you!”
Super helpful, right? I did, however, finally get a full physical, for the first time in at least five years.
I don’t think I’ll be returning to that doctor as, honestly, I found him a bit kooky (and that is saying a lot, coming from me), but it’s nice to know that as far as he could tell, I am perfectly healthy.
Anyway, I have a friend who works for a knee specialist and she offered to get me an appointment… it sounds silly, but I am putting it off because I am convinced it’s actually nothing and will feel silly if I turn out to be right.
These are the things that go through my head… sigh.
Well…that’s all for now… It’s going to be a short work week and a lot of driving. I cannot wait!
What have you been up to? What are your weird aches and pains? Cooky doctors-discuss. Butternut Squash, yes or no?
September is flying by!
I realize it’s been a while since I’ve done a “Confessions” post… so here we go.
You may have noticed some new widgets on my sidebar:
I am super excited to announce that I am a Sweat Pink Ambassador, pink shoelaces and all!
For more info, click the image on the sidebar or check out the Fit Approach website.
Here is the Sweat Pink Mission, from the Fit Approach website:
We believe that kicking ass is best done in pretty shoes. We’ve learned that real women sweat, and sweat hard. We know that assertiveness, strength, and ambition are the ultimate feminine qualities. We concede that sometimes it takes hours to get ready, but we’re also no strangers to just rolling out of bed and going. We’re convinced that we run faster in pink shoelaces. We believe in pushing ourselves, and we believe in giving ourselves a break, too. We’re all about the rush of endorphins and the thrill of the challenge. We’re all for looking great and feeling even better. We’re committed to finding our best fit, and making it stick. We sweat pink.
Pretty awesome, right? I am pumped to be a part of this community!
I’ve mentioned ENERGYbits and how they have become part of my fuel for marathon training and life in general. They are an amazing company and doing great things….and I am so happy to be a part of it. The best part is that I can share a sweet discount with all of you (Use the code “NoellesNotebook” at checkout for 25% off!)! Also, if you’re interested in trying a sample, contact me and I can hook you up!
In other news, marathon training is coming to a close…less than 2 weeks until race day. I have to admit, I am sort of enjoying the taper, but my body is a bit confused.
I bonked a bit on my 20 mile run and had a minor freak-out about being ready…
After I calmed down from my freak-out, I analyzed what went wrong… I think a big part of my bonk was my food choices from the couple of days before my run, not drinking enough and the weather. It was hot. Really hot. And humid….and raining.
So what am I using for fuel?
I have decided on ENERGYbits (of course!), Island Boost–another great company–and various fruit. This will depend on what I can fit in my running belt…
I was going back and forth as to whether or not I should wear my camelbak on race day, but I decided against it. There will be water stops on the course and honestly, the camelbak is a lot of extra weight and extra sweat. It’s great for training runs, but I don’t want to worry about it on race day.
Thoughts on Marathon training:
Next time around (yes, I’m already thinking about next time! Let’s just get through the first one, shall we?!), I am only going to be working one job…and won’t be involved in as many real life commitments. Life happens. I got way too stressed out with training this time around because honestly, I skipped a lot of runs. Between trying to prevent/having an injury and just being over-extended, some days it felt impossible to fit in a run. I realize that there are people out there who do way more than I do (and I give them MAJOR props), but this time around, I had to make some sacrifices, and some weeks, it was my training runs.
I have a good friend (Hi Kristy!) who gave me some peace of mind a while back. She said that as long as you get your long runs in, it’s okay to skip some of your runs during the week.
Now, I am NOT in any way saying that you shouldn’t train for a marathon, because that would be moronic. But, sometimes life happens and things come up. And that’s okay, as long as you get back on track.
She also reminded me that as this will be my first marathon, I am going to PR. No matter my time, it’s going to be a personal record. Doesn’t that take a lot of the pressure off?
Again, I’m not saying that I won’t go out there and try and run my hardest, but…if I have to walk for a bit, I am still doing 26.2 miles in one shot. That’s still pretty hard-core.
With that being said, I’ve been having some really great runs lately. During and after each run, I have felt unstoppable…isn’t that the best feeling?!
Also, I purchased a foam roller ($15 at TJ Maxx for the win!) about a month ago… such a good investment! Luckily, Farmer Ben loves to torture… I mean take care of me and has been super helpful with working out the kinks in my legs. My recovery time has decreased significantly as a result…so thanks Farmer Ben!
On a totally unrelated topic, marathon training does a number on my digestive system. I’ll leave it at that.
Oh! I almost forgot, I need your help! I am deciding on whether to run with or without some tunage.
If I do run with music, I need to create a killin’ it playlist. What would be on your kicking butt soundtrack?!
Today, 12 years have passed from that fateful day. I still remember exactly what I was doing when I heard the news. I think about how much our nation–and our world–has grown and changed, and I pay a moment of silence and remembrance to the past and those who were lost.
Anyway, those are my musings for today.
What about you?! What do you use for fuel during your long runs/race day? Any advice for a first time marathoner? What is on your killin’ it playlist?!
After our trip up Whiteface Mountain, Ben and I decided to head into Lake Placid to wander around. After meandering for an hour or so, we ducked into a restaurant.
The restaurant was called Smoke Signals and is relatively new. We were enticed by the re-purposed décor, the fun bar crowd and tasty looking menu, which used local meats, cheeses and veggies. What could go wrong?!
So, we put our names in for a table…. supposedly it would be a fifteen minute wait. There were two hostesses working…one disappeared to help bus/re-set tables.
Now, we should have realized when there were a number of open tables in the bar area, this may have been a bad idea…but we waited, thinking, “let’s give this place a shot.”
After 40 minutes, I was starting to get antsy and was about to ask Ben if we could go somewhere else. I noticed the hostess made a table for a large group that came in and then a couple that came in five minutes after us went up and complained… they were seated a few minutes later. Then we saw people sitting at the previously mentioned, empty tables.
At that point, having been passed over, I gave the hostess the stink eye. Not just an irritated scowl, but THE stink eye. She noticed….and realized that she forgot about us (even though she wrote our name down).
The girl hurried over to us and, without apologizing, asked if we preferred to wait a few more minutes for a table on the patio… I, still giving the stink eye, said “at this point it really doesn’t matter.”
stomped led us over to a table and we were seated, inside. This was fine…but then, moments later, we watched her take another couple out to the patio. I almost hit the roof.
Now, don’t get me wrong, having worked in a restaurant for quite some time, I understand that stuff happens. Sometimes you have to wait a little longer…but to tell us it would be a “bit longer for an outdoor table (after having been passed over twice)” and then watching someone else get seated at said table, moments later? COME ON. And in all honesty, the hostess is the first person you see when you enter a restaurant. Maybe having a less indifferent teenager welcoming customers would be a good idea.
Luckily, our server, Christina, was awesome. She was very attentive and answered any questions we had. This was the restaurant’s saving grace.
A few minutes after ordering, we received corn bread… awesome, yes? No. It was cold and sticky. Being a bread lover, I was disappointed. But, I loved the mason jar water glasses and the condiment basket.
What seemed like an eternity later, we received our food. Again, normally, I don’t mind waiting as I understand, when things get busy, the kitchen slows down…but… I ordered a salad and macaroni and cheese…and Ben ordered a sandwich with French fries and baked beans.
I would venture a guess that we waited about 45-60 minutes for a salad and a sandwich. Honestly, the French fries were probably the most labor intensive item to prepare… but 45 minutes?
So how was the food?
It wasn’t bad…
I didn’t taste any chipotle in my chipotle Caesar salad…instead I got a really strong horseradish taste… not that I mind horseradish, but it just wasn’t what I was expecting. The macaroni and cheese was really good, not too heavy, but it’s a food that’s difficult to mess up.
Ben’s chicken sandwich wasn’t bad either.., however, there was a heavy cheese sauce that just overpowered the chicken and Ben ended up scraping a lot of it off. The French fries were hand cut and tasty. He also ordered a side of baked beans, which were not bad, but a bit too sweet.
Overall, I’d say our experience was mediocre…again, the food wasn’t bad, but it was nothing to write home about–though we were both really glad they made an effort to use of local growers/producers–and the prices were reasonable, our total bill came out to $37 for two microbrews and our meals and we left full..
Now, I really wanted to like this place. I really did! Ben and I both hope that our experience was just part of the growing pains associated with a new restaurant and I hope they work everything out. Not including our time waiting for a table, we were at the restaurant for over an hour and a half–Not that I like to be rushed while eating, but holy moly, that long for a sandwich and a salad?!
I will say, get rid of that hostess….and not just because she forgot about us.
On a more positive note, the bartender looked like he was having a good time and all of the bar crowd looked happy, there were also some really good happy hour specials..the other food we saw coming out of the kitchen looked tasty, but I don’t think we’ll be rushing back to Smoke Signals anytime soon.
Have you tried any new restaurants lately? Where did you go and how was it? Ever had a bad experience? Discuss.
Today is not going well, friends.
I stepped out of my car this morning and immediately dumped my coffee all over the parking lot (and maybe the passenger side door of a co-worker’s car…oops). Needless to say, I was heartbroken. It was a full-to-the-brim, large coffee and there was a mere sip left after I scrambled to pick it up. I am almost ashamed to admit that I took that last sip– I had to!
I don’t know if I’ve told you about the coffee at my workplace…if I haven’t, I’ll fill you in: It’s awful. And, for whatever reason, there is only non-dairy creamer available (what is that anyway? Corn starch?! I don’t even know…) unless I remember to bring my own half and half…and when I do, I have to hide it in the community fridge because it tends to disappear.
This morning, I got out of the house early enough where I had time to go through town and treat myself…so I stopped at Stewart’s.
If you are unfamiliar with Stewart’s, it’s an upstate NY/Vermont chain…a gas station/mini-mart deal. They have good, no-fuss coffee, on the cheap.
So, you can imagine my disappointment, when, upon opening my car door, I immediately dumped my entire coffee all over the ground…granted, it was only a dollar or two, but still! It’s the principle of the matter.
And there I was, a coffee river at my feet and unable to process what had just occurred. So after entering the building, I went to the community coffee pot and filled up.
Heartbroken in Upstate NY,
PS. Luckily, I had some half and half stashed in the fridge…still not good.
Coffee Talk: Have you ever had a coffee heartbreak? Workplace coffee, good or downright awful?!
My sister took this little gem over the weekend. She wanted a picture of my brother wearing that shirt….I seized the opportunity.
Photo-bombing lesson: The element of surprise is key.
Any words of wisdom to fellow photo-ruiners?
Remember how I opened up to you about my struggle with skinny jeans?
Folks, my sister found a pair that fits me! She and her hubs are up visiting and she brought a pair to prove to me that, there are in fact, skinny jeans I can wear.
You win, this time, Meghan.
For those interested, these are from Kohl’s.
Miracle? Plain luck? We don’t know.
What is your biggest issue finding pants? Favorite brand of skinny jeans?</strong>
Remember how someone asked me that question about a month ago? You know, THAT question?
Well, guess what.
No, I’m still not pregnant.
But it happened again. No, I’m not kidding.
I wish I was.
The thing that I find incredibly unsettling? It was an assumption. No question.
Farmer Ben and I are sitting in church, our pastor signals that it’s time to say good morning and say “hello” to those around us.
We turn around to an older couple who sits behind us every Sunday.
We say good morning.
The wife, a sweet older lady, takes a hold of my hands and says “By the way, congratulations.”
Farmer Ben and I respond, “What? Congratulations on what?”
“On the baby! Congratulations on the baby! How exciting!” she said.
Our jaws dropped.
“Um… pardon? We’re not expecting. No…no.”
Similarly to the first time this happened, there was an awkward pause. And then profuse apologies.
Ben and I quickly turned back around. I whispered in his ear, “Someone started a rumor. And I am NOT happy about it.”
So, I ask you, how do I respond to this? Should I just do nothing? Should I laugh it off? How would you react?
I am at a loss.
I was worried about this run. After missing my long run the week before and dealing with foot issues for the last couple of weeks (aka resting), I was worried my body was going to fail me. I felt unprepared and completely unsure of myself. Not good.
But I did it. And I survived. I can officially say that 17 miles is the furthest I have ever run.
It didn’t go exactly as planned…does it ever?
Side note: This is going get a little detailed. My apologies in advance.
I started out Saturday morning thinking that I would have a quick breakfast and head out the door to get the run out of the way early. Sounds easy enough, right?
Unfortunately my body had other plans. I had worked late the night before and my employee meal of shrimp and pasta was not settling well (the chef had already made my meal before I could say anything and I didn’t want to be rude).
I woke up around 7:30–still relatively early for me on a Saturday–and laid in bed for another few minutes. Then I enjoyed a cup of coffee and a bagel with peanut butter. All things that don’t typically bother me.
But my body, more specifically my stomach, was not feeling too hot.
I paced around the apartment hoping things would settle but it wasn’t happening…so Farmer Ben talked me into going to the Farmers’ Market, telling me I could run home to start the 17 miles. I agreed and gathered my CamelBak and other run essentials to throw in the backseat of my car.
When we got to the market, I took some of these (which I will be doing a whole post on!) in preparation for my run home and beyond:
After picking up a few things and a quick side trip to the co-op, I knew running home was not going to happen. Let’s just say, my stomach was running (Ha! Get it?) the show. So, back home we drove.
Finally, something happened (I’ll let you use your imagination) and I decided to get going before my body had a chance to realize what it was doing. I grabbed my CamelBak, a few items for fuel, my phone, headphones and watch and headed out the door.
It was 11 am. And it was hot.
I decided to try running on some different roads near my house. I’ve been wanting to check them out for a couple of months but, I guess you could say I am a creature of habit.
The first four miles were a breeze. Even though I had some hills, I found my stride and was in the zone. Not only was I energized, but I felt good. Really good. I was actually surprised at how quickly the miles passed. Note to self: Start slower.
I took a walk break at the five-mile mark for a Clif SHOT gel.
NOTE: I got a bunch of these free from a race and have been trying to use them up. I like the gel/bloks ingredient list a lot more than other gels or GU’s, but I don’t think this is my fuel solution….my stomach hasn’t been happy.
The new route did not disappoint. I lost myself in the scenery, I passed a few farms (including a goat/sheep farm!), an airstrip, rolling hills and open fields. I got an awesome burst of energy after my fuel break and kept up a pretty good pace until my next break, the 9 mile mark. I caught myself speeding up a lot and had to force myself to slow down a few times. Note to self: start slower and pay attention to your pace.
I took a walk break for some more of those green beauties pictured above and passed a woman driving a carriage with a miniature horse. Pretty cool right?
At 9 miles, I had run out of new roads and was trying to figure out the next stops on my route. I decided to stick to a combination of two of my usual routes because they have some hills…and well, I need to run more hills.
Miles 10 and 11 weren’t too bad, but I was definitely getting tired. I let myself walk for two minutes during mile 11 because I happened to be running up a giant hill. LAME.
A little after mile 12, I started to feel really light-headed and took another Clif SHOT.
The last 5 miles were some of the toughest I have ever done. I was sunburnt, light-headed, starving, and my feet hurt. I had wicked Charlie horses in my quads. Not gonna lie, I let myself walk. A lot. I chewed some (also free) SHOT Bloks, hoping that would help me re-focus and ease the muscle cramps. And it did help…some. I ran out of water with 2 miles to go. Thankfully I was close to home.
I play this game with myself when I get tired. I think the technical term is “posting.” Basically, you pick a point on the road, and mentally pull yourself toward it. I did this a lot during those last five miles. I would make myself run to a certain point, then let myself walk to a certain point…then repeat.
I turned up my music and tried to block out everything else. I even caught myself jamming out a few times.
Soon, I was there. I had done 17 miles. Granted it wasn’t a running-only 17 miles, and it wasn’t very fast, especially those last five miles. But I had done it.
And you know, after doing it, I know I can do 18, 20 and eventually, 26.2. It won’t be easy but I’ll do it.
What did I learn after this long run?
- Watch what I eat . Not just the day of my run, but the day or two before as well. I’ve been eating a lot of veggies this week in preparation for my 18-miler on Saturday. My stomach has been all out of sorts this week, partially because of some poor post-run eating choices and partially because of the long run after-effects… so I’m sticking with my go-to giant salad for lunch as much as I can..
- Play around with my in-run fuel. I think it’s safe to say that I need something to supplement my water because I was definitely feeling depleted after all those miles. The light-headedness was tough and I think I need to add some electrolytes to help that. I’m going to try real, whole foods this weekend (some fruit, bars, etc.) and see how I feel.
- Pay closer attention to my pace. I started out fast. A little too fast. I was happy to be out running after taking time off and I just let myself go. But, I would rather start out slow and steady and hold that pace than to start fast and bonk like I did. I would have had an easier last five miles if I had paced myself better. Lesson learned.
As I mentioned before, I am going to do a separate, more detailed, post on my fuel (the green goodies pictured above). I can’t wait to share more. Stay tuned!
How is your training going? What’s on your training schedule for this weekend? Any advice for long-run snacks?
I can’t function today.
Let’s be real, I can’t function this week.
I am a hot mess. Scratch that… I am THE Hot Mess.
The last 24 hours have been full of bruises, spills, and mishaps.
I have managed to do the following:
- Bang my head on a countertop and now have a lovely giant bump on my forehead.
- Run into a desk, leaving a nice thigh bruise.
- Bang my arm against a shelf, another bruise.
- Spill soup
- Almost drop a tray of food
- Spill a container of ketchup.
- Get a teeny tiny, miniscule shard of glass in my foot while getting ready for work (how does that even happen?!) …and then spend ten minutes trying to get it out with a pair of tweezers…
And for the grand finale?
During lunch, I was opening a bottle of delicious (homemade) roasted garlic vinaigrette to pair with my giant salad… and well, instead of dressing my greens, I managed to violently spill half the bottle all over my desk, my phone, my chair, the floor (carpet) and my pants in the process.
Is this real life?
Anyway, I happened to have an extra pair of pants in my bag…otherwise, it would have been a rough rest of the day..
So… I’m rocking jeans at work….sigh.
Is it Friday yet?
What are some of your hot mess moments? Are you having a better week than me?